I SAT DOWN WITH ONE OF INSTAGRAM'S HIGHEST FOLLOWED THERAPISTS: HERE'S WHAT I LEARNT
Dr Julie Menanno has a whopping 1.2M followers on her Instagram account @thesecurerelationship, but she is also an in-person couple’s therapist, author of bestselling book ‘Secure Love’, attachment theory expert and now podcast host - we don’t know when she sleeps! Trouble’s very own Francesca managed to Zoom call her from her ranch in Montana (in between client sessions) to discuss ALL of it. Here were her key takeaways!
Dr Julie Menanno
When it comes to understanding the complexities of human relationships, few topics are as crucial—and as frequently misunderstood—as attachment. To dive deep into this subject, I had the privilege of sitting down with Dr Julie Menanno, a renowned therapist whose expertise in relationship dynamics has helped countless individuals and couples navigate the challenges of love and connection. In our conversation, we explored the different attachment styles, how they shape our relationships, and what we can do to foster healthier, more secure bonds with the people we care about most. Whether you're in a long-term relationship, dating, or simply looking to understand yourself better, this discussion offers invaluable insights into the powerful role attachment plays in our lives.
WHEN THE PROBLEM IS NOT THE PROBLEM
In my conversation with Julie, I asked her why some couples tend to fight about the same little things (like not putting your keys on the hook when you get home, as your partner asked) and what these fights actually mean. She enlightened me to a phenomena she calls ‘when the problem is not the problem’. She decides it’s best to describe it to me using a real life example from one of her client couples in therapy:
DJM: “They were at a baseball game with their kids and he started to get really overwhelmed because the kids were getting rowdy. He’s an avoidant attachment and it’s very common for those types to need to feel competent, otherwise their shame gets touched. So his way of dealing with that was to go and take a break and walk around. Now she’s left alone with the kids and she feels abandoned, so she starts sending kind of mean texts to him, like ‘where are you??’ In her mind, he’s abandoning her, but for him, he’s wondering how she’s going to view him if he’s feeling incompetent. And so this fight is not about the kids being rowdy and not being able to handle it, it becomes an attachment issue.”
HOW DO COUPLES KNOW IF THEY’RE INCOMPATIBLE OR JUST HAVE WORK TO DO ON THEIR RELATIONSHIP?
We just don’t work is a phrase I’ve heard a lot from my girlfriends over the years - but it’s very unclear if they mean their relationship doesn’t work or their communication doesn’t work. Perhaps they don’t even know themselves. How can we love someone so deeply and it just not work? I asked Dr Julie for her thoughts.
DJM: “We first have to rule out the first layer of the problem: you can never really know if it’s an incompatibility issue or a communication issue without first getting that communication cleaned up. So let’s say one wants a family and one doesn’t - that’s clearly a compatibility issue - however, if they’re going into negative cycles when they talk about that problem, we’ve got to clean that up. It might be that afterwards they do realise they’re incompatible, but this way they can go their separate ways from a healthy conversation place. And sometimes, when couples are able to clean up their communication, they start feeling a lot closer and safer and that can shift their perspectives and soften their stances on things.”
HOW DOES ACCUSATORY LANGUAGE PLAY INTO RELATIONSHIP DYNAMICS?
Growing up, watching movies or listening to my friend’s parents speaking to each other, all I’d ever heard was highly accusatory language - sentences that start , “you always” or “you never” - it’s something Milenials work incredibly hard to eradicate from their relationship vocabulary. But how does it affect us when it slips out in the heat of the moment?
DJM: “You can either speak to your partner in a way - no matter what you’re saying - that communicates, ‘you’re valuable to me’ and ‘your needs matter to me’, even when I’m saying no to something - ‘I can validate your feelings even if I disagree with your thoughts and your perspective on how we go about this.’ You can structure anything you say to your partner in a way that doesn’t unmeet their attachment needs and is likely to meet their needs. If you’re not doing that, and instead you’re saying, ‘you always’ - your mind instantly goes into all the exceptions to always and you’re going to start defending that. It sends the message that you’re being misunderstood, invalidated, unappreciated and people walk around with unmet attachment needs because of how they speak to each other and they are going to have a hard time feeling safe and close. It sets everyone up to fail.”
In this journey through the intricacies of relationships, one truth stands out: communication is the cornerstone of a healthy connection. As we've explored, open, honest dialogue is the key to understanding each other's needs, resolving conflicts, and building a foundation of trust and intimacy. But there's more to uncover.
In part two of this series, we’ll delve deeper into practical strategies for improving communication in your relationship, navigating all four attachment styles! Stay tuned as we continue this essential conversation, equipping you with the tools to strengthen your relationship and bring you closer to the love you desire.
[Francesca’s full conversation with Dr Julie Menanno can be found here on the Trouble podcast]
Francesca Edmondson in conversation with Dr Julie Menanno